It's hard ... but it's worth it

My niece posted on her blog about her young daughter's experience with bearing her testimony yesterday. In the LDS faith we have a monthly meeting when members can come to the pulpit and share their own belief in Christ and testify of their faith. It should not be a difficult thing to do, but somehow making the walk to the front of the chapel and standing in front of the microphone is a very scary feeling. It takes a push from inside, a good firm push from inside, to motivate me to rise to my feet and make the trek. It is only when that pushing becomes more uncomfortable than staying put, do I stand.

I felt from early in the day that I needed to publicly bear my testimony yesterday in Fast and Testimony Meeting. I figured I would find a time that was appropriate and was just nestling into my comfort zone as the our Counselor to the Bishop turned the time over to the congregation and sat down. He sat. There was silence.

Total silence. No babies crying. No rush of little children to the pulpit to declare their faith in Jesus and love of family. No mass coming forward of people to bear their testimony. Just silence.

I have silently sat through those kinds of pauses before only to find there is no time for me to stand later, so I found myself suddenly standing and walking forward to the stand. I’m not sure anyone truly enjoys bearing their testimony. We should, but the bottom line is there is an innate fear of declaring in front of an entire congregation one’s dedication to the Lord. I’m not sure why we feel that way. It probably isn’t a fear of testifying as much as it is simply a fear of speaking to a large crowd of people... Even though we know most of them, and most of them would never judge us for our efforts.

But we all know we’re going to trip over our tongues, and I find that every strong thought I had while sitting in the safe place I call mine on that row nobody else sits on because they know we sit there, suddenly just flies out the window. And I stand with a mind that is blank and a mind that is wondering where the promised inspiration disappeared. I open my mouth. Words come out. Do they even make sense? They must because I’m getting a warm feeling. And then I have another thought, and the warm feeling goes away. Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that right now. It wasn’t a bad thought, just probably off the subject for the moment. So I get back on track and the warm feeling comes back and I finish my testimony after speaking for what felt like the entire meeting. I return to my safe place and glance at the clock. All that and I only spoke for, what, two minutes?????

I can now sit back, though, and enjoy the rest of the meeting. And that I really do. Beautiful testimonies are declared with tears and emotion, and I walk away strengthened because other brave souls who speak with ever so much better finesse than I are willing to walk to the front and share their testimonies and say the things I wanted to say but lost in my brainless fear episode.  But the biggest strength I received yesterday happened when I stood, myself, and opened my own mouth. The bearing of testimony strengthens the bearer more than anyone else. And for that, it is worth it.

On another note, as I have returned to studying the scriptures each morning, I have found so many things that correlate with my own life today. My scripture study is a sacred time in the early morning for me to feel communion with God. I can’t imagine how I began my days without it. I love the way it starts the day for me. I love knowing what I know and learning what I’m learning. I am so grateful I have been fortunate to have been born into the Church, been raised by faithful parents who taught me good things from the time I was a baby. This is one of my most treasured blessings.

Daily scripture study is also one of my 60 goals. I'm thinking it is one of the most important of them.