Joy/Sorrow - What Gives?

The bishop stopped by last Friday morning and told me I would be released Sunday. It had been, after all, three years since I was called to serve as Relief Society president for the second time in my life. I know a lot of wards that don't follow a formula, but ours isn't one of them: five years for bishop and three for RS president.

As the calendar pages have turned, pushing us closer to that "magic" date, I've found it harder and harder to focus on pushing forward. So it is a good thing, don't you think, to not be in a position forever? Especially one that requires so much from the heart.

I looked the bishop in the eye and right there and then I lied. I told him I probably wouldn't be crying. I was joking, and I think he knew it. As soon as he left, I wandered down the hall and felt the huge bubble building in my chest growing and filling my soul, finally erupting through my eyes. And I did cry.

What gives? I have been so ready to turn these keys over to someone else for several months now. ...ready to be able to sit down and read a good book without feeling guilty that I'm not out visiting sisters or working on visiting teaching districts or any one of the large number of responsibilities that come with being a Relief Society president. ...ready to hang up my "Problem Solver" hat and put back on my "Quiet Service" hat. ...ready to move into another phase of my life. So very ready.

But the bottom line is that I really wasn't ready. My conflicted brain screamed, "But Heavenly Father, I still haven't got it right!" My conflicted heart sobbed, "But all these dear friends I've cared about - Heavenly Father, how can I just turn them over to the new president and walk away?"

And there is always the feeling with this calling (I can speak with authority, now, because I've been there twice), that there is always something else that needs to be done. Always. That leaves a woman feeling like she's a failure when she doesn't get to them all. I even still have four little birthday tokens I haven't got out yet, and then there are the visiting teaching districts that need changes made and visiting teaching report that needs to be entered, and positions needing to be filled, and a funeral on Friday and a Christmas dinner/Relief Society meeting next week, and the clothing/toy swap, and ....

The list goes on. And though I will help with the transition, it's all going to go on through the very capable hands of the new leaders who were called. And I will be left behind...

I don't want to be left behind.

Jen Thomas was just released as Primary President a few weeks ago. And she told me Sunday the hardest part is just suddenly not having a calling any more. We both know it's temporary. But still ...
Please .... don't leave me behind.